"The TSA is now fully operational. It’s the only place on earth where you can pay $300 for a flight just to have a man in latex gloves tell you that your shampoo is a threat to national security."

"My doctor told me to take up a hobby to reduce stress. I chose taxidermy. It’s very relaxing, and my neighbors have finally stopped asking to borrow my lawnmower."

"The Department of Homeland Security was created. I feel much safer knowing that the government is now color-coding my inevitable demise."

"I told my psychiatrist I was addicted to the internet. He told me to go outside. I told him I couldn't because the sun doesn't have a "Skip Ad" button yet."

"My neighbor bought a Hummer. He says it makes him feel powerful. I told him it just makes him look like a man who’s terrified of a slightly high curb and a moderate gas price increase."

"American Idol started this year. Finally, a show where we can watch people’s dreams die in front of a live audience and a very mean British man."

"I don’t need friends. I have a collection of antique medical tools and a very sturdy lock on the basement door."

"Life is like a treadmill. You exert a lot of energy, get nowhere, and eventually, the motor burns out while you're still holding the handles."

"A pessimist sees a dark tunnel. An optimist sees a light at the end of the tunnel. A realist sees a freight train. The engineer sees three idiots standing on the tracks."

"The Euro was introduced. Now 12 countries can share the same economic depression instead of having 12 small, local ones. It’s called efficiency."