"The world changed today. Now we have to take our shoes off at the airport and be terrified of box cutters. It’s nice to know the most powerful nation on earth can be brought to a halt by office supplies."

"I asked my travel agent for a destination where people don’t hate Americans. He gave me a ticket to the moon, but told me the reception was terrible."

"Wikipedia was launched. Finally, a place where anyone can write whatever they want and it becomes the truth until someone else with more free time changes it."

"I told my doctor I was feeling patriotic. He said, "That’s just your blood pressure rising because of the news. Take two of these and stop watching CNN.""

"My neighbor is building a "safe room." I told him the only safe room in this neighborhood is the one where the mortgage is already paid off."

"Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings both started. It’s a great year for fantasy; we really needed a world where the problems could be solved with a magic stick instead of a drone."

"I like to keep my friends close and my enemies in the "Unsubscribe" folder."

"We are all just stardust. But mostly the kind of stardust that gets swept under the rug and forgotten."

"If you want to make God laugh, tell Him you’re planning on traveling with just a carry-on."

"The Enron scandal broke. It’s a heartwarming story about how to make billions of dollars disappear faster than a politician's integrity during an election year."