"Y2K happened and... nothing. The only thing that crashed was the ego of every survivalist who spent their life savings on canned beans and gas masks."

"The election is a mess. We don’t know who won, but we do know that "hanging chads" are the most exciting thing to happen to Florida since the invention of the early bird special."

"My bank told me I had a "negative balance." I told them I preferred to think of it as "financial minimalism.""

"The surgeon said the operation was a "learning experience." I told him I’d prefer he learned on someone who wasn’t currently paying for his tuition."

"The first PlayStation 2 was released. Finally, a console powerful enough to render my character’s death in high-definition sadness."

"I told my wife I was having an affair with the vacuum cleaner. She said, "At least it’s doing something productive around the house.""

"Cast Away was a hit. A movie about a man who talks to a volleyball for four years. Or, as I call it, a typical Friday night without an internet connection."

"I don’t mind the voices in my head. It’s the ones outside that I can’t stand."

"Life is a comedy to those who think, a tragedy to those who feel, and a horror movie to those who check their email."

"Reality is just a crutch for people who can’t handle science fiction."