"Everyone is terrified that at midnight, the computers will stop working and the world will end. I’m more terrified that they *will* keep working and I’ll still have to go to work on Monday."

"They say video games cause violence. I’ve been playing Pac-Man for twenty years and I’ve never once felt the urge to eat a ghost in a dark room... wait, never mind."

"The Matrix came out. It’s a movie about how our reality is a lie. I hope it’s true, because I’d really like to blame my credit card debt on a glitch in the simulation."

"I told my doctor I wanted to live forever. He said, "I can’t do that, but I can make the next six months feel like a century by giving you a job in data entry.""

"My neighbor bought a "smart home." Now his toaster refuses to talk to his fridge because of a domestic dispute over the energy bill."

"Fight Club was released. The first rule is you don’t talk about it. The second rule is you probably should have just gone to therapy instead of punching your coworkers."

"I like my coffee like I like my heart: black, bitter, and cold enough to shatter if you drop it."

"We are the middle children of history. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War is a spiritual war. Our Great Depression is our lives."

"Hope is the first step on the road to disappointment. I prefer to stay in the driveway."

"The 90s are ending. We started with the fall of the Wall and ended with a singing purple dinosaur and a global fear of digital clocks. We’re ready."