"The President is being impeached over a cigar and a blue dress. It’s a tragic day for the country; we’ve finally realized the only thing more dangerous than a nuclear warhead is a bored intern."

"My doctor told me I have the body of a 25-year-old. Unfortunately, it’s currently in the trunk of my car and I need help moving it."

"Google was founded this year. Finally, a way to search for the meaning of life and find three million pages of people trying to sell me herbal supplements instead."

"I told my therapist I was having a mid-life crisis. He said, "You’re an optimist. Given your family history, this is a three-quarter-life crisis.""

"My wife says I don’t respect her boundaries. I told her I’d be happy to respect them if she’d stop putting them in the middle of the hallway while I’m carrying a beer."

"Saving Private Ryan was a hit. It’s a heartwarming story about eight men who die so that one guy can grow up to be a grandfather and feel guilty about it."

"I don’t hate humanity. I just think it would look much better if it were properly preserved in jars of formaldehyde."

"The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off to save on electricity. Please feel your way toward the abyss in an orderly fashion."

"A clear conscience is usually a sign of a very bad memory or a very good lawyer."

"I asked my broker for a "safe" investment. He told me to buy a high-quality shovel and some gold coins. He didn't say where to dig."