"Princess Diana died in a tunnel. It’s a tragic reminder that no matter how much people love you, a Mercedes and a paparazzi chase are still subject to the laws of physics."

"The Heaven’s Gate cult committed suicide. They thought a spaceship was coming to pick them up. It’s a shame; they could have just used the internet like the rest of the lunatics."

"Titanic was released. It’s a story about a giant ship that hits an iceberg and sinks. I won’t ruin the ending for you, but the iceberg has a very successful career afterwards."

"The doctor told me I had a "heart of gold." I asked if I could melt it down to pay for the bypass surgery."

"My wife says I treat her like a servant. I told her that’s a lie; I’d never let a servant talk back to me that much before firing them."

"South Park debuted. A show about four children who swear and witness death every week. Finally, a realistic portrayal of the public school system."

"I love the smell of the morgue in the morning. It smells like... a quiet day with no phone calls."

"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."

"If you think you have a bright future, you’re probably looking at the flash of a nuclear explosion."

"The Pathfinder landed on Mars. We spent millions to find out that Mars is a red desert with no life. I could have told them that for fifty bucks and a telescope."