"I don’t know if you guys are history buffs or not, but in the early 20th century, the Germans decided to go to war. And who did they choose to go to war with? THE WORLD."

"The first clone, Dolly the sheep, was born. Finally, we can make exact copies of creatures that are born to be eaten and made into sweaters. It’s a great day for sheep-kind."

"The Macarena is the number one song. It’s a dance that looks like you’re checking your pockets for the keys to your dignity."

"I told my doctor I was having trouble sleeping. He told me to stop thinking about the future. I haven’t slept since."

"I told my neighbor his house was on fire. He asked if the insurance was up to date. I said yes. He said, "Then let’s go get a beer and watch the glow.""

"Scream was a hit. A movie about a killer who calls you to ask what your favorite scary movie is. Mine is the one where the protagonist pays off his student loans."

"I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of the hallucinations; they’re much more interesting than my real friends."

"Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot. Unfortunately, I’m currently stuck in the front row with no glasses."

"To err is human. To blame it on someone else shows management potential."

"I asked my boss for a raise. He said, "You should be glad you have a job." I said, "I am glad. I’m just not glad I have THIS job.""