"The Oklahoma City bombing happened. It’s a tragic reminder that the only thing more dangerous than a foreign enemy is a domestic one with a fertilizer habit and a library card."

"The O.J. verdict is in. Not guilty. It’s a great day for justice, provided you have five million dollars and a jury that finds DNA evidence "too confusing.""

"Windows 95 was released. It’s a revolutionary operating system: it allows your computer to crash in sixteen million colors instead of just two."

"The nurse told me the doctor would see me now. I told her I’d rather remain a mystery to him; I’ve seen his bill and I can’t afford to be solved."

"My wife says we need to "reconnect." So I gave her a new phone line and a separate bedroom. She says it’s not what she meant, but it’s exactly what I needed."

"Toy Story was the first CGI movie. Finally, we can watch toys have an existential crisis in three dimensions. It’s good practice for the children."

"I like to keep a shovel in my trunk. Not for gardening, just as a conversation starter when the police pull me over."

"If you think you’re too small to make a difference, try sleeping in a room with a mosquito... or a sociopath."

"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it."

"The DVD was invented. Now we can watch movies in high definition until the disc gets a single scratch and becomes as useless as a politician's promise."