"The O.J. Simpson chase happened today. It’s the first time in history a man was chased by the police at 35 miles per hour and still managed to make everyone in America late for dinner."

"My doctor told me I had a "sleeping disorder." I told him I sleep just fine; it’s the waking up to my bank balance that’s the problem."

"The first banner ad appeared on the internet. Finally, the information superhighway has its first billboard for a product you don't need and a virus you didn't ask for."

"I told my psychiatrist I was feeling like a bridge. He said, "I know, I saw your dental bill; it’s a suspension bridge for a very wealthy family.""

"My neighbor is so depressed he decided to "reconnect with nature." He’s currently living in a tree in his backyard and throwing pinecones at the mailman."

"Forrest Gump was a hit. A movie that proves if you’re slow enough and lucky enough, you can witness every tragedy in American history without ever realizing how miserable you should be."

"I don’t need an alarm clock. The screams of my own conscience wake me up every morning at 6:00 AM sharp."

"Life is like a box of chocolates. Most of it is filled with stuff you don't like, and it’s usually way past its expiration date."

"A pessimist is a man who thinks things are as bad as they can get. An optimist is a man who knows they can get much worse."

"Grunge died this year. It turns out the only thing more permanent than a flannel shirt is a shotgun blast to the ego."