"Bill Clinton is President. He’s the first President who looks like he’d be more at home at a frat party than a summit meeting. He says he "didn't inhale," which is exactly what I say about my bank account balance."

"The Waco siege ended. It turns out that when a cult leader says the world is going to end in fire, the government is happy to help him make that prophecy come true."

"Everyone is wearing flannel and looking depressed. It’s called "Grunge." It’s basically just being poor and dirty, but with a better soundtrack."

"The doctor told me I had a "heart of gold." I asked if I could melt it down to pay for the bypass surgery."

"My wife says I treat her like a servant. I told her that’s a lie; I’d never let a servant talk back to me that much before firing them."

"Jurassic Park was a hit. It’s a story about what happens when you play God and then realize God doesn’t have a very good refund policy for when the dinosaurs eat the investors."

"I love the smell of the morgue in the morning. It smells like... a quiet day with no phone calls."

"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."

"If you think you have a bright future, you’re probably looking at the flash of a nuclear explosion."

"I asked my boss for a raise. He said, "You should be glad you have a job." I said, "I am glad. I’m just not glad I have THIS job.""