"The government released a pamphlet on how to survive a nuclear winter. Step one: Build a fire. Step two: Realize you are out of wood because the world just ended."

"My doctor told me to start an exercise program immediately. I asked if walking to the fridge counted. He said only if the fridge is in a different zip code."

"Interest rates are so high that I took out a loan for a loaf of bread and by the time I got home, I owed the bank a bakery."

"They say "Just Say No" to drugs. I said no to my landlord when he asked for rent. It turns out drugs have better side effects than being homeless."

"I told my therapist I was having nightmares about the 1950s. He said, "Don't worry, in the 80s, we just call that nostalgia.""

"My wife says I treat our marriage like a business. I told her that's unfair; if it were a business, I would have declared bankruptcy and fired her years ago."

"The Ozzy Osbourne bat incident happened. It's nice to know that even in the 80s, we still have traditional family values like biting the heads off small mammals."

"I like to keep my secrets in a safe. And I like to keep my safe at the bottom of a very deep, very private lake."

"Life is a dead end, but at least the scenery is colorful before the lights go out."

"A friend in need is a friend to be avoided at all costs."