"The Royal Wedding happened. Diana and Charles. It’s a fairytale: a young girl marries a prince and they live happily ever after, provided you stop the story five minutes before the credits roll."

"Reagan was shot, the Pope was shot. It’s a bad year to be a world leader, but a great year to be in the bulletproof glass business."

"The first cases of AIDS were reported. It’s nature’s way of reminding us that even the "Sexual Revolution" has a very aggressive collection agency."

"I told my doctor I wanted to live to see my kids grow up. He said, "I’m a doctor, not a miracle worker. Have you seen how fast they’re eating the lead paint?""

"MTV launched. Now we can watch music instead of listening to it. It’s a great way to ensure that if a singer is ugly, we never have to hear them again."

"My neighbor is so "New Age" he thinks he can heal himself with crystals. I told him he should try a diamond; it won't fix his cancer, but it’ll make the funeral look much better."

"The Space Shuttle launched. It’s the first reusable spacecraft. Finally, the government has found a way to throw away billions of dollars more than once."

"I find that a heavy velvet curtain and a lack of eye contact is the best way to maintain a healthy relationship with society."

"Hope is the denial of reality. And reality is currently checking its watch and looking for a blunt object."

"The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm is just a statistic."