"Star Wars is a hit. It’s a story about a boy who leaves home to join a cult and blow up a government building. In the 70s, we didn’t call that a space opera; we called it "Thursday.""

"Elvis died this year. They say it was on the throne. It’s a tragic end, but at least he died doing what he loved: struggling with his own internal organs."

"I asked a guy if he believed in life after death. He said, "I’m a tax auditor. I believe in life after death, life after bankruptcy, and life after you think you’ve hidden the money.""

"The doctor told me I was in the peak of health. I asked for a second opinion. He said, "Okay, your tie is also ugly.""

"Disco is the new craze. It’s the only form of music where the goal is to look like you’re having a seizure while wearing polyester that’s highly flammable."

"My wife says I’m a misogynist. I told her that’s a very big word for someone who spends all day talking to a toaster."

"The Son of Sam was caught. It’s a relief for New Yorkers; now they can go back to being terrified of the regular muggers who don’t take orders from dogs."

"I like to keep my house clean. It makes it much harder for the police to find the evidence."

"To be or not to be is not the question. The question is: "What’s for dinner, and why is it always disappointment?""

"The main difference between a cult and a religion is the amount of real estate they own."