"We’re celebrating 200 years of freedom. It’s amazing—200 years and we’ve finally reached the point where we can’t afford the fireworks to celebrate the fact that we can’t afford the rent."

"My dad said he fought in the war so I could be free. I told him I’m free every Saturday night, but I still can’t find a date who doesn’t have a restraining order."

"The Concorde started commercial flights. Now you can get from London to New York in three hours, giving you an extra five hours to realize you still hate your life in a different time zone."

"I told my psychiatrist I had an identity crisis. He told me to go home and come back when I’d decided who was going to pay the bill."

""Mommy, why is Grandpa red?" "Because he’s the guest of honor at the Bicentennial barbecue, dear. Now pass the lighter fluid.""

"I asked my wife what she wanted for our anniversary. She said, "A surprise." So I didn’t come home for three days. She was surprised, but the locks being changed was an even bigger one for me."

"Rocky came out this year. It’s a story about a guy who gets beaten half to death for a living, which is also a pretty good description of being a middle-class taxpayer."

"I don’t need an alarm clock. The screams of my own conscience wake me up every morning at 6:00 AM sharp."

"Reality is just a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs."

"If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."