"The Democratic National Headquarters was broken into. The thieves were caught with bugging equipment. I’m just impressed that Nixon thinks there’s anything worth hearing at a Democratic meeting."

"A man asked me if I’d like to donate to the "Save the Children" fund. I asked him if he had a "Save the Adults" fund, because we’re the ones who have to pay for the children."

"My dentist told me I need a root canal. I asked if I could get a second opinion. He said, "Fine, you’re also a terrible dresser.""

"The Apollo 17 mission was the last one to the moon. We finally realized that there’s nothing up there but rocks, and we already have plenty of those down here—mostly in the heads of our leaders."

""Mommy, why is the cat in the oven?" "Because the dog was full, dear. Now go set the table.""

"I told my wife I wanted a divorce. She said, "Over my dead body." I said, "I’m glad we’re finally on the same page regarding the logistics.""

"The Godfather came out this year. It’s a heartwarming story about a man who just wants to keep his family business alive by murdering everyone who disagrees with him."

"I find that a well-placed "Do Not Disturb" sign and a faint smell of formaldehyde keeps the neighbors at a respectable distance."

"Man is the only animal that laughs... which is probably because he’s the only one that knows how the story ends."

"Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it."