"Why is it that most of the people who are against abortion are people you wouldn't want to sleep with in the first place?"

"My bank started charging a "low balance fee." It's a brilliant business model: punishing people for not having enough money to be worth robbing."

"The Pentagon Papers were leaked. It turns out the government has been lying to us. In other news, scientists have discovered that water is wet and the sky is often blue."

"I went to a self-help seminar. They told me the key to happiness is to love myself. I tried it, but I’m just not my type."

"I told my doctor I was losing my memory. He made me pay in advance."

"Our new neighbors are "swingers." I asked if that meant they liked jazz. They said no, it means they want to trade their problems for mine, but only on Friday nights."

"Jim Morrison died in a bathtub this year. It’s a tragic end, but at least he went out the way he lived: surrounded by water and unable to finish his lyrics."

"I’m not saying my family is weird, but our family tree has a "Caution: Falling Bodies" sign on it."

"The universe is a cruel, mocking vacuum. Luckily, I have a very comfortable chair to watch it from."

"If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame."