"The 60s ended and all we got was a higher cholesterol count and a draft card that doesn't even make a good bookmark anymore."

"I asked my doctor if I could live to see 1980. He asked me if I had any hobbies. I said "Drinking." He said, "Then why do you want to stay for the encore?""

"The government is moving to a lottery system for the draft. It's the only lottery where the grand prize is a free trip to a swamp and a very high probability of becoming a statistic."

"My psychiatrist told me I have a "messiah complex." I told him that's impossible, because I’m actually God, and I don’t remember giving myself a complex."

"The first Earth Day happened this year. It's nice to have one day a year where we feel guilty about the other 364 days we spend choking the planet to death."

"My wife says we need to "find ourselves." I told her I’m right here on the couch, and if she finds herself, I hope she finds a job while she's at it."

"The Beatles broke up. It’s the first time in history a woman (Yoko) managed to destroy a British empire without even having to use an army."

"I love the smell of a basement in the morning. It smells like... secrets and damp earth."

"Life is a sexually transmitted disease that is 100% fatal."

"A recession is when your neighbor loses his job. A depression is when you lose yours. A recovery is when Nixon loses his."