"We put a man on the moon! It’s the greatest achievement in history. Now we just have to figure out how to get a man from the South Side of Chicago to a grocery store without him getting shot."

"Neil Armstrong said it was "one small step for man." He had to say that; if he’d said "one giant leap for my ego," the taxpayers would have demanded a refund for the fuel."

"Woodstock was half a million people in the mud listening to music and taking drugs. It was the only time in history a disaster area was considered a vacation spot."

"I told my doctor I was feeling suicidal. He told me to cheer up, because by the time the pollution from the new cars reaches my lungs, nature will have finished the job for me."

""Mommy, who is that man at the door with the long hair and the knife?" "Don't worry dear, he’s just here to remind us that the Summer of Love was a marketing scam.""

"My wife says I’m obsessed with the moon landing. I told her I’m just looking for a place to live where the neighbors aren’t within 238,000 miles."

"They invented the Internet (ARPANET) this year. Finally, a way for scientists to share their depression with each other at the speed of light."

"I like to keep my friends close and my enemies in a well-ventilated cellar. It’s only polite."

"The 60s are over. We started with "The New Frontier" and ended with a used car salesman in the White House and a hole in the ozone layer. Success!"

"Death is the ultimate "Out of Office" reply."