"Everyone is talking about "Flower Power." It’s a great concept until you realize that you can’t stop a tank by throwing a daisy at it, unless the tank driver has a very severe allergy."

"I went to a hippie commune. I asked what they do for money. They said they live off the land. I asked what they do when the land gets tired of them. They didn’t have an answer."

"My son wants to be a conscientious objector. I told him that’s fine, but he still has to clean his room. If he objects to that, I’ll declare war on his closet."

"I told my doctor I was having trouble sleeping. He told me to stop thinking about the future. I haven’t slept since."

""Mommy, why do I keep bleeding?" "Shut up and help me finish this barbed-wire fence.""

"The only thing "free" about the Summer of Love is the medical advice you’ll need by September."

"The first successful heart transplant happened. The patient lived for 18 days. It turns out the heart was fine; it just couldn't handle the hospital bill."

"I don't have a bad temper. I just have a very low tolerance for people who are still breathing."

"Life is a comedy to those who think and a tragedy to those who feel. To me, it’s just a really long commercial for a product I can’t afford."

"If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not the hobby for you."