"The Beatles said they were bigger than Jesus. The Vatican was furious. It’s the first time in centuries a group of men with long hair and sandals felt threatened by a different group of men with long hair and sandals."

"I asked my travel agent for a one-way ticket to oblivion. He said, "I can get you to New Jersey, which is basically the same thing but with more toll booths.""

"The draft is a fair system. It ensures that the people who have the least to lose are the ones who lose it first."

""Doctor, I feel like a dog." "How long has this been going on?" "Ever since I was a puppy.""

""Mommy, why is Daddy so flat?" "Because I told you not to leave your steamroller in the driveway, dear.""

"My wife says I treat her like a prisoner. Which is ridiculous. Prisoners get an hour of exercise in the yard; she only gets forty-five minutes."

"The first Star Trek episode aired. It’s a show about a future where everyone gets along regardless of race or creed. That’s how you know it’s science fiction."

"A clean house is a sign of a wasted life. A bloody house is a sign of a really productive afternoon."

"I have a lot of beliefs, but none of them are particularly helpful in a crisis."

"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes and checking her watch."