"They told us we were going to Vietnam to win the hearts and minds of the people. It turns out it’s hard to do that when you’re currently dropping napalm on their nervous systems."

"My son asked me what "inflation" is. I told him it’s when you pay fifteen dollars for a ten-dollar haircut because your hair is standing on end from the cost of living."

"A man goes to a cannibal restaurant. He sees "Psychiatrist" on the menu for $50. He asks why it’s so expensive. The waiter says, "Have you ever tried to clean one?""

"The nurse told me the doctor would see me now. I told her I’d rather he didn’t; I’m trying to keep my health a secret from professionals."

"The first spacewalk happened this year. It’s amazing—a man floating in a vacuum with nothing but a thin tube connecting him to life. It’s exactly like my first marriage."

"I told my neighbor I was depressed. He told me to cheer up because things could be worse. So I cheered up, and sure enough, things got worse."

"The Rolling Stones sang "I Can't Get No Satisfaction." Join the club, boys. The rest of us have been paying dues since the 1920s."

"I like my tea like I like my enemies: in hot water and disappearing fast."

"The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts."

"Death is nature's way of telling you that your subscription to life has expired."