"The Beatles arrived in America. My dad said it’s the first time he’s seen four guys with that much hair who weren’t currently being chased by a barber with a warrant."

"The Gulf of Tonkin incident happened. It’s nice to know we’re going to war over a misunderstanding; it makes the inevitable casualties feel so much more accidental."

"My wife told me she’s joined a bridge club. I hope it’s the kind where they jump off, because the silence in the house is killing me anyway."

""Mommy, why is everyone wearing black?" "Because you wouldn’t stop playing with the toaster in the bathtub, dear. Now hold your flower straight.""

"I told my doctor I wanted a second opinion. He said, "Okay, your hat is also hideous.""

"The Civil Rights Act passed. Finally, everyone is equal in the eyes of the law, which is great news for the people who manufacture handcuffs."

"Our new neighbor is a philosopher. He spends all day contemplating the meaning of life, which is easy for him because he doesn’t have a mortgage or a soul."

"I don’t need a psychiatrist. I have a basement full of people who agree with everything I say. They don’t have a choice, really."

"To be is to do—Socrates. To do is to be—Sartre. Do-be-do-be-do—Frank Sinatra."

"A coward dies a thousand deaths. A brave man only dies once, but he usually spends the last ten seconds wishing he’d been a coward."