"The election is between Kennedy and Nixon. It’s a choice between a man whose father owns the country and a man who looks like he’s trying to sell you a stolen car."

"My wife told me she wanted to be buried in her wedding dress. I told her that was fine, but we should probably wait until she’s actually dead."

"The Russians sent a dog into space. We sent a monkey. It’s nice to know that if the world ends, the first things to leave will be the ones who didn’t start the fire."

""Mommy, why do I keep tripping over things?" "Because you shouldn't have asked for glass eyes for Christmas.""

"I’m not saying I’m a failure, but my family tree is basically just a shrub that’s been hit by a lawnmower."

"I told my psychiatrist I had suicidal tendencies. He told me from now on, I have to pay in advance."

"A neighbor asked if I had a spare tire. I told him I did, but I’m currently using it to keep my marriage from sinking."

"I like to go to the cemetery and look at the dates. It’s the only place where people actually seem to stay on schedule."

"The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth."

"The best way to win a nuclear war is to be the one who gets hit by the first bomb. The rest of the guys have to deal with the traffic on the way to the afterlife."